Extracts from The Fair Maid of the Inn.
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The main plot of this play is a romantic tragicomedy, with a tangled and incredible plot. Webster had some hand in it; the play features (like The Devil’s Law Case) a woman who disowns her own son. The Duke then sets about to have her marry the child she claims to have adopted so to restore him to gentility – that kind of plot.
The comic action concerns a pair of con men, Forobosco and the Clown. The relevant scenes are excerpted here. The former gets money via his reputation as a conjurer; the latter assists his master’s credibility by feigning a quarrel with him, and then being magically ‘compelled’ to dance half naked with boys in the shape of frogs.
As a charlatan with an assistant, Forobosco resembles Jonson’s Subtle (who employed Face). Their punishment in the final scene is strongly reminiscent of Volpone. The romantic ending of the main plot (not given here) in which long-lost daughters are restored, and which a character called Prospero is instrumental also brings in recollections of Shakespeare’s last plays, with their magical aspects.
Host.
Thy Master that lodges here in my Hosteria, [inn]
Is a rare man of art, they say hee's a Witch.
Clow.
A witch? Nay hee's one step of the Ladder to preferment higher, he is a
Conjurer!
[irony here in the clown’s boast]
Host.
Is that his higher title?
Clow.
Yes, I assure you, for a Conjurer is the Devills Master, and commands him;
whereas a witch is the Devills Prentice and obeys him. [apprentice]
Host.
Bound Prentice to the Devill!
Clow.
Bound and inrolld I assure you, he cannot start; and therefore I would never
wish any Gentleman to turne Witch.
Host:
Why man?
Clow:
Oh he looses his gentility by it, the Devill in this case cannot helpe him,
he must go to the Herald for new armes beleeve it.
Host.
As I am true Innkeper, yet a Gentleman borne,
Ile ne'r turne witch for that trick,
And thou hast bin a great Traveller.
Clow.
No indeed, not I Sir;
Host.
Come you are modest.
Clow.
No I am not modest, for I told you a lye, that you might the better
understand I have bin a traveller.
Host.
So sir, they say your Master is a great Physitian too
Clow.
He was no foole told you that, I assure you.
Host.
And you have beene in England, but they say Ladies in England take a great
deale of Physick.
Clow.
Both wayes on my reputation. [ie via potions and enemas]
Host.
So tis to be understood:
But they say Ladyes there take Physick for fashion.
Clow.
Yes sir, and many times dye to keep fashion.
Host.
How? dye to keep fashion!
Clow.
Yes, I have knowne a Lady sicke of the smallpox, onely to keepe her
face from pitholes, take cold, strike them in againe, kick up the heeles and
vanish.
Host.
There was kicking up the heeles with a witnesse.
Clow.
No Sir; I confesse a good face has many times bin the motive to the kicking
up of the heeles with a witnesse: but this was not. [bawdy]
Host.
Here comes my wife and daughter.
Clow.
You have a prety commodity of this night worm?
Host.
Why man?
Clow.
She is a pretty lure to draw custome to your ordinary.
Host.
Dost think I keep her to that purpose?
Clow.
When a Dove-house is empty, there is cuminseed used to purloine from the
rest of the neighbours; In England you have severall Adamants, to
draw in spurres and rapiers; one keeps silk-worms in a Gallery: A Milliner
has choice of Monkies, and Paraketoes; another shewes bawdy East Indian
Pictures, worse than ever were Aretines, a Goldsmith keeps his wife wedged
into his shop like a Mermaide, nothing of her to bee seene (that’s woman)
but her upper part.
Host.
Nothing but her upper part?
Clow.
Nothing but her upper bodies, and he lives at the more hearts ease.
Host.
Whats the reason?
Clow.
Because her neather part can give no temptation; by your leave sir, ile tend
my Master, and instantly bee with you for a cup of Cherelly this hot
weather.
Host.
A nimble pated rascall, come hither daughter, when was Cesario here? /
Bian.
Sir not this fortnight.
Host.
I doe not like his visits, commonly
He comes by Owle-light, both the time and manner
Is suspitious; I doe not like it.
Bian.
Sir, the Gentleman
Is every way so noble, that you need not
Question his intent of coming, though you did;
Pray Sir preserve that good opinion of me,
That though the custome of the place I was borne in
Makes me familiar to every guest,
I shall in all things keep my selfe a stranger
To the vices they bring with them.
Hostis.
Right my daughter?
She has the right straine of her mother.
Host.
Of her mother?
And I would speake, I know from whence she took it;
When I was as young I was as honest.
Hostis.
Leave your prating,
And study to be drunk; and abuse your guests over, and over,
Host.
Peace wife. My honourable guest,
Foro.
My indeard Landlord?
And the rest o'th complements o'th house.
Host.
Breakfast is ready Sir;
It waites only the tide of your stomack.
Clow.
And mine gapes for't like a stale Oyster.
Ere you goe to bed, faile not of that I pray.
---Exeunt all but Forobosco, and Clowne.
Foro.
We will instantly be with you;
Now we are all fellowes.
Nine a clock, and no clyents come
Yet, sure thou dost not set up bills enough. [adverts pasted up]
Clow.
I have set up bills in abundance.
Foro.
What bills?
Clow.
Marry for curing of all diseases,
Recovery of stolne goods,
And a thousand such impossibilities. [regular practices dismissed as
impossibilities]
Foro.
The place is unlucky,
Clow.
No certaine, tis scarcity of mony; doe not you hear the Lawyers complain of
it? men have as much malice as ever they had to wrangle, but they have no
mony: whether should this mony be tralaunct?
Foro.
To the Devill I think.
Clow.
Tis with his cofferer I am certaine, that's the Vsurer.
Foro.
Our cheating does not prosper so well as it was wont to doe.
Clow.
No sure, why in England we coo'd cozen 'em as familiarly, as if we had
travaild with a Briefe, or a Lotterie. [legal brief, state lottery]
Foro.
I'th Low-countries we did prety well.
Clow.
So so, as long as we kept the Mop-headed butter-boxes sober; marry when they
were drunke, then they grew buzards: You should have them reel their heads
together, and deliberate; your Dutchman indeed when he is foxt, is like
a Fox; for when hee's sunke in drink, quite earth to a mans thinking, tis
full Exchange time with him, then hee's subtlest; but your Switzert, twas
nothing to cheate him.
Foro.
Nothing?
Clow.
No nor conscience to bee made of it; for since nature afort-hand cozend him
of his wit, twas the lesse sinne for us to cozen him of his mony.
Foro.
But these Italians are more nimble-pated, wee must have some new trick for
them, I protest but that our Hostisse daughter is a sweet lasse, and drawes
great resort to'th house, we were as good draw teeth a horseback.
Clow.
I told 'em in the Market place you could conjure, and no body would beleeve
me: but ere long I will make'em beleeve you can conjure with such a figuary.
Foro.
What language shal's conjure in? high Dutch I thinke, that's full i'th
mouth.
Clow.
No, no, Spanish, that roares best; and will appeare more dreadfull.
Foro.
Prethee tell me thy conceit thou hast to gull.
Clow.
No, no, I will not steale it; but my dear Iewstrump, for thou art but my
instrument, I am the plotter, and when we have cozen'd 'em most titely, thou
shalt steale away the Inn-keepers daughter, I'le provide my selfe of
another moveable: and wee will most purely retire our selues to Geneva.
Foro.
Thou art the compasse I saile by.
Host.
Haunted, my house is hanted with goblins. I shal be frighted out of my wits,
and set up a signe only to invite carriers and Foot-posts; scar-crows to
keep off the Cavelrie, and Gentry of the best rank. I will naile up my
doors, and wall up my girle (wife) like an Anchoresse; or she will be
ravisht before our faces, by rascalls and cacafugo's (wife) cacafugo's.
Hostesse.
These are your In-comes, remember your own proverb, the savour of every
gaine smelt sweet; thank nobody but your selfe for this trouble.
Host.
No gaulling (deere Spouse) no gaulling, every dayes new vexation abates mee
two inches in the wast, terrible pennance for an Host, Girle, girle, girle,
which of all this gally-maufry of mans flesh appears tolerable to thy
choice; speak shortly, and speak truly: I must and will know, must and will;
here ye that?
Bian.
Sir, be not jealous of my care and duty;
I am so far from entertaining thoughts
Of liberty, that much more excellent objects
Then any of such course contents as these are,
Could not betray mine eye to force my heart;
Conceive a wish of any deerer happinesse
Then your direction warrants. I am yours sir.
Hostesse.
What thinks the man now? is not this strange at 13.
Host.
Very good words, ther's a tang in 'em, and a sweet one, tis musicke
(wife) and now I come t'ee. Let us a little examine the severall conditions
of our Paragraphisticall suitors. The first, a travailing Tailor, who by the
mistery of his needle and thimble, hath surveyd the fashions of the
French, and English; this Signior Gingerbread stitcht up in the shreds of a
gaudy outside, sowes lineings with his crosse legd complement, like an Ape
doing tricks over a staffe, cringes, and crouches, and kisses his
fore-finger.
Hostesse.
Out upon him.
Host.
A second, a lavolteteere, a saltatory, a dancer with a Kit at his bum, one [fiddle]
that by teaching great Madonnas to foot it, has miraculously purchast a
ribanded wastcote, and foure cleane paire of socks; a fellow that skips as
hee walkes, and instead of sensible discourse vents the curious conceit
of some new tune stolne from a Maske, or a bawdie dittie elevated for the
Pole Artick of a Ladies chamber, in that fyle stands another of your
inamoratoes
Hostesse.
Hang him and his fiddle together, hee never fidles any child of ours.
Host.
The third, a Mongrell, got by a Switzer on an Italian, this puppy, being
left well estated, comes to Florence, that the world may take notice, how
impossible it is for experience to alter the course of nature, a foole
(wife) and indeed a Clown turnd gallant, seldom or never proves other
then a gallant foole, this toy prates to little purpose other then what's a
clock, shall's go drink, de'e forsooth, and thank ye heartily; I feare no
art in him to catch thee, and yet wee must bee tormented with this
buzzard amongst the rest.
Hostesse.
Tis your owne folly, forbid him the house.
Host.
The 4th, a Mule-driver, a stubborn & a harsh knave: the fifth a
School-Master, a very amorous Pedant, run almost mad with study of Sonnets
and Complements out of old play-ends, the last an Advocates clerk, that
speaks pure Fustion in Law termes, excellent Courtiers all, and all as
neate as a Magnifico's post new painted at his entrance to an office; thou
shalt have none of 'em. Laugh at 'em doe. I say thou shalt have none of 'em.
Bian.
Still your command to me shall stand a Law.
Host.
Now they throng like so many horse-coursers at a faire, in clusters about
the man of art, for love powders, ingredients, potions, counsailes,
postures, complements, philters: the devill and the---how now? tumults?
batteries, noise? ha, get from my sight.
Clown cries within
Enter Forobosco and Clowne, his head bloody.
Clow.
Murther me, do, pound me to Mummye, doe; see what will come on't.
Foro.
Dog, leave thy snarling, or i'le cut thy tongue out,
Thou unlikt beare, darst thou yet stand my fury,
My generous rage? yet! by the sulpherous damps
That feed the hungry and incessant darknesse,
Which curles round the grim Alastors back,
Mutter againe, and with one powerfull word,
Ile call an Host up from the Stygian lakes,
Shall waft thee to the Acherontick fennes;
Where choak't with mists as black as thy impostors,
Thou shalt live still a dying.
Clow.
Conjure mee to the devill and you can. I live in hell upon earth 'em
already, and you had any mercy, you would not practise upon a kind heart
thus.
Host.
You have drawne blood from him Signior, Is his offence unpardonable?
Foro.
A lump of ignorance, pray speak not for him,
A drowsie grossenesse, in all christian kingdomes,
The mention of my art, my name, my practise
Merit and glory hath begot at once
Delight and wonder; ile not be entreated;
Spare intercession for him,---ô thou scorne
Of learning, shame of duty; must thy sloth
Draw my just fame in question? I discharge thee
From my service; see me no more henceforth.
Clow.
Discharge me, is that my yeares wages!
Ile not be so answerd.
Foro.
Not Camell, sirra I am liberall to thee;
Thou hast thy life, begon.
Clow.
Vengeance, sweet vengeance.
Foro.
Do'e mumble?
Clow.
Ile be revengd, monstrously, sudainly, and insatiably; my bulke begins to
swell.
Foro.
Homotolenton, Pragmatophoros, Heliostycorax.
Clow.
Call up your spirits, I defie 'em; well have law for my broken pate, twelve
ounces of pure bloud; Troy-weight. In despight of thee my Master, and thy
Master the grand devill himselfe, vindicta, vindicta.---
Host.
Signior you are exceeding mov'd.
Hostes.
Mercy upon us, what terrible words thou talk't?
Foro.
A slave, a curre---but be not you affrighted
Young Virgin, 'twere an injury to sweetnesse:
Should any rough sound draw from your cheekes,
The pretious tincture which makes nature proud
Of her own workmanship.
Host.
Wise, Marke, mark that wise.
Bian.
Shake then your anger off Sir;
Foro.
You command it
Faire one, mine Host and Hostesse, with your leaves
I have a motion joyntly to you all.
Hostesse.
An honest one I hope.
Host.
Well put in wife.
Foro.
A very necessary one, the Messe
Stooles out. And halfe of suiters, that attend to usher
Their loves sir reverence to your daughter, waite
With one consent, which can best please her eye;
In offering at a dance, I have provided
Musick. And 'twill be something I dare promise
Worthy your laughter, shal they have admittance?
Host.
By any means, for I am perswaded the manner will be so
Ridiculous, that it will confirm the assurance of their
Miserable fooleries, but no longer trouble with 'em here,
Then they are in these May-games.
Foro.
So I am resolvd.
Hostesse.
Nor any wise word of sencelesse love.
Foro.
Not any; I have charm'd them, did you see
How they prepared themselves, how they stroak up
Their foretops, how they justle for the Looking-glasse,
To set their Faces by it;
(See they muster.
You would look for some most impossible antick.
Enter Tailor, Dancer, Mule Driver, Schoole-Master, Clarke: (all with severall
Host.
So, so, so, so, here flutter the nest of hornets, the hotch-potch of
rascallity, now, now, now, now, the dunghill of corruption hath yawnd forth
the burthen of abhomination. I am vext, vext to the soule, will rid my house
of this unchristend fry, and never open my doores again.
Foro.
Some other time, ile give no answer now,
But have preferred your suits, here shew your cunning.
First every one in order do his honour
To the faire mark you shoot at; courtly, courtly,
Convay your severall loves in lively measure:
Come, let us take our seates, some sprightly musick.
Host.
Dance all and part, tis a very necessary farewell.
Enter Cæsario, They all make ridiculous tonges, to Bianca: ranck themselves, and
dance in severall postures: during the dance.
Host.
Well done my lusty blouds, preciously well done,
One lusty rouse of wine, and take leave on all sides.
Cæsar.
Thanks for your revells Gentlemen; accept
This Gold, and drink as freely as you danc'd.
Host.
My noble Lord Cesario, cleer the rooms sirs.
Foro.
Away. Attend your answers.
Enter Host, Taylor, Muliter, Dancer, Pedant, Coxcombe.
Host.
Come Gent'emen,
This is the day that our great artist hath
Promist to give all your severall suites satisfaction.
Dancer.
Is he stirring?
Host.
He hath beene at his booke these two houres.
Pedant.
Hees a rare Physitian.
Host.
Why Ile tell you,
Were Paracelsus the German now
Living, heed take up his single rapier against his
Terrible long sword, he makes it a matter of nothing
To cure the goute, sore eyes he takes out as familiarly,
Washes them, and puts them in againe,
As you'd blanch almonds.
Tay.
They say he can make gold.
Host.
Aye, aye, he learnt it of Kelly in Germany. [Edmund Kelly, John Dee’s
associate]
Theres not a Chimist [alchemist]
In christendome can goe beyond him for multiplying.
Pedant.
Take heed then,
He get not up your daughters belly my Host.
Host.
You are a merry Gentleman
And the man of art will love you the better.
Dancer.
Does he love mirth and crotchets?
Host.
O hees the most courteous Physitian,
You may drink or drab in's company freely,
The better he knowes how your disease growes,
The better he knowes how to cure it.
Danc.
But I wonder my Host
He has no more resort of Ladyes to him.
Host.
Why Sir?
Dan.
O divers of them have great beleife in conjurers
Lechery is a great helpe to the quality. [probably an allusion to Frances
Howard’s consultations with Simon Forman]
Host.
Hee's scarce knowne to be in towne yet,
Ere long we shall have em come
hurring hither in Fetherbeds.
Dan.
How? bedridden.
Host.
No sir, in fetherbeds that move upon 4 wheeles in
Spanish caroches.
Ped.
Pray acquaint him we give attendance.
Host,
I shall gentlemen. I would faine be rid
Of these rascalls, but that they raise profit
To my wine-seller;
When I have made use of them sufficiently,
I will intreat the conjurer to tye crackers to their tailes,
And send them packing.
Enter Forobosco as in his Study. (A paper)
Foro.
Come hither mine Host looke here.
Host.
Whats that?
Foro.
A challenge from my man.
Host.
For breaking’s pate?
Foro.
He writes here if I meet him not
I’th Feild within this halfe houre,
I shall heare more from him.
Host.
O sir, minde your profit,
Nere thinke of the rascall, here are the gentlemen.
Foro.
Morrow my worthy clients,
What are you all prepard of your questions?
That I may give my resolution upon them,
Omnes.
We are sir.
Pedant,
And have brought our mony.
Foro.
Each then in order,
And differ not for precedency.
Dan.
I am buying of an office sir,
And to that purpose I would faine learne
to dissemble cunningly.
Foro.
Doe you come to me for that? you should rather
Have gone to a cunning woman.
Danc.
I sir but their Instructions are but like women,
Pretty well but not to the depth, as I'de have it,
You are a conjurer, the devils master,
And I would learn it from you so exactly,
Foro.
That the divill himselfe
Might not go beyond you,
Danc.
You are ith right sir.
Foro.
And so your mony for your purchase
Might come in againe within a 12 month.
Danc.
I would be a Graduate sir, no freshman.
Foro.
Heres my hand sir,
I will make you dissemble so methodically,
As if the divell should be sent from the great Turke,
In the shape of an Embassador
To set all the christian princes at variance.
Danc.
I cannot with any modesty desire any more,
Theres your mony sir,
Foco.
For the art of dissembling.
Cox.
My suite sir will be newes to you when I tell it,
Foro.
Pray on:
Cox.
I would set up a presse here in Italy,
To write all the Caranta for Christendome. [news pamphlets]
Foro.
Thats newes indeed,
And how would you imploy me in't?
Cox.
Marry sir, from you
I would gaine my intelligence.
Foro.
I conceave you, you would have me furnish you
With a spirit to informe you. [spirits for intelligence gathering
& transmission, as in Dee’s stenographic projects]
Cox.
But as quiet a Divell as the woman,
The first day and a halfe after she's married,
I can by no meanes indure a terrible one.
Foro.
No, no, Ile qualifie him,
He shall not fright you,
It shall be the ghost of some lying Stationer,
A Spirit shall looke as if butter would not melt in his mouth, A new
Mercurius Gallobelgious. [title of the most notorious
pamphlet of foreign news]
Coxe.
O there was a captaine was rare at it,
Foro.
Nere thinke of him,
Though that captaine writ a full hand gallop,
And wasted indeed more harmelesse paper then
Ever did laxative Physick,
Yet wil I make you to out-scribble him,
And set downe what you please,
The world shall better beleeve you.
Cox.
Worthy sir I thanke you, there's mony.
Foro.
A new office
For writing pragmaticall Curranto's
Pedant.
I am a schoole-master sir,
And would faine conferre with you
About erecting 4 new sects of religion at Amsterdam.
Foro.
What the Divell should
New sects of religion doe there?
Pedant.
I assure you I would get
A great deale of mony by it.
Foro.
And what are the 4 new sects
Of religion you would plant there?
Ped.
Why thats it I come about sir,
Tis a Divel of your raising must invent 'em,
I confesse I am too weake to compasse it.
Foro.
So sir, then you make it a matter of no difficulty
To have them tolerated.
Pedant.
Trouble not your selfe for that,
Let but your Divel set them a foot once,
I have Weavers, and Ginger-bread makers,
And mighty Aquavitæ-men, shall set them a going.
Foro.
This is somewhat difficult,
And will aske some conference with the divell.
Ped.
Take your owne leasure sir,
I have another busines too, because I meane
To leave Italy, and bury my selfe in those neather parts
Of the low countries.
Foro.
Whats that sir.
Ped.
Marry I would faine make 9 dayes to the weeke, for the more ample benefit of
the captaine.
Foro.
You have a shrewd pate sir.
Ped.
But how this might be compasd?
Foro.
Compasd easily; tis but making
A new Almanacke, and dividing the compasse
Of the yeare into larger penny-worths,
As a Chandler with his compasse makes
A Geometrick proportion of the Holland cheese
He retailes by stivers.
But for getting of it licenc'd.
Ped.
Trouble not your selfe with that sir,
Theres your mony,
Foro.
For foure new sects of religions,
And 9 dayes to the weeke.
Ped.
To be brought in at generall pay-dayes.
Write I beseech you.
Foro.
At generall pay-dayes.
Taylor.
I am by profession a taylor,
You have heard of me.
Foro.
Yes sir, and will not steale from you
The least part of that commendation I have heard utterd.
Taylor.
I take measure of your worth sir,
And because I will not afflict you with any large bill
Of circumstances, I will snip off particulars.
I would faine invent some strange
And exquisite new fashions.
Foro.
Are you not travel'd sir.
Tay.
Yes sir, but have observ'd all we can see
Or invent are but old ones with new names to'em,
Now I would some way or other grow more curious.
Foro.
Let me see to devise new fashions.
Were you never in the Moone?
Tay.
In the Moone taverne! yes sir: often.
Foro.
No, I do meane in the new world,
In the world thats in the Moone yonder.
Tay.
How? a new world ith moone?
Foro.
Yes I assure you.
Tay.
And peopled?
Foro.
O most fantastically peopled.
Tay.
Nay certaine then ther's worke for taylors?
Foro.
That there is I assure you.
Tay.
Yet I have talked with a Scotch taylor
That never discover'd so much to me,
Though he has travail'd far, and was a pedlar in Poland.
Foro.
That was out of his way,
This lies beyond China,
You would study new fashions you say?
Take my councell, make a voyage,
And discover that new world.
Tay.
Shall I be a moon-man?
Foro.
I am of opinion, the people of that world
(If they be like the nature of that climate they live in)
Do vary the fashion of their cloathes oftner then any
Quick-silver'd nation in Europe.
Tay.
Not unlikely, but what should that be we call
The man in the moone then?
Foro.
Why tis nothing but an Englishman
That stands there starke naked,
With a paire of sheires in one hand,
And a great bundle of broad cloath in the other
(Which resembles the bush of thornes)
Cutting out of new fashions.
Taylor.
I have heard somewhat like this,
But how shall I get thither?
Foro.
Ile make a new compasse shall direct you.
Tay.
Certaine?
Foro.
Count me else for no man of direction.
Tay.
Theres 20 duckats in hand, at my returne
Ile give you a 100.
Foro.
A new voyage to discover new fashions.
Mul.
I have been a travailer too sir,
That have shewed strange beasts in Christendome,
And got mony by them, but I finde the trade to decay.
Your Camelion, or East-Indian hedg-hog
Gets very little mony, and your Elephant devoures
So much bread, brings in so little profit,
His keeper were better every morning
Cram 15 Taylors with white manchet,
I would have some new spectacle,
And one that might be more attractive.
Foro.
Let me see, were you ever in Spaine?
Mule.
Not yet Sir.
Foro.
I would have you go to Madrill, and against some great festivall, when the
court lies there, provide a great and spacious English Oxe, and roste him
whole, with a pudding in's belly; that would be the eight wonder of the
world in those parts I assure you.
[a regular joke against the imputed frugality of the
Spanish diet]
Mule.
A rare project without question.
Foro.
Goe beyond all their garlike olla Podrithoes, though you sod one in
Garquentuas cauldron, bring in more mony, then all the monsters of Affrick.
Host.
Good Sir do your best for him; he's of my acquaintance, and one if ye knew
him---
Foro.
What is he?
Host.
He was once a man of infinite letters.
Foro.
A Scholler?
Host.
No sir, a packet carrier, which is alwaies a man of many letters, you know:
then he was Mule-driver, now hee's a gentleman, and feedes monsters.
Foro.
A most ungratefull calling.
Mule.
Ther's mony for your direction; the price of the Oxe Sir.
Foro.
A hundred French crownes, for it must be a Lincolneshire Oxe, and a prime
one:
For a rare and monstrous spectacle, to be seen at Madrill.
Enter Clown, Hostesse, and Bianca.
Hostes.
Pray forbeare sir, we shall have a new quarrell.
Clow.
You durst not meet me ith' field, I am therefore come to spoyle your market.
Foro.
Whats the newes with you sir.
Clow.
Gentlemen, you that come hither to be most abominably cheated, listen, and
be as wise as your plannet will suffer you, keep your mony, be not guld, be
not laught at.
Pedant.
What meanes this? would I had my mony againe in my pocket.
Host.
The fellow is full of malice, do not mind him.
Clow.
This profest cheating rogue was my master, and I confesse my selfe a more
preternotorious rogue then himselfe, in so long keeping his villainous
counsell.
Foro.
Come, come, I will not heare you.
Clow.
No couzner, thou wouldest not heare me, I do but dare thee to suffer me to
speake, and then thou and all thy divells spit fire, and spoute Aqua fortis.
Foro.
Speake on, I freely permit thee.
Clow.
Why then know all you simple animals, you whose purses are ready to cast the
calfe, if they have not cast it already, if you give any credit this jugling
rascal, you are worse then simple widgins, and will be drawne into the
net by this decoy ducke, this tame cheater.
Foro.
Ha, ha, ha, pray marke him.
Clow.
He does professe Physicke, and counjuring; for his Physicke; he has but two
medicins for all manner of diseases; when he was i'th low countryes, he us'd
nothing but butterd beere, colourd with Allegant, for all kind of
maladies, and that he called his catholick medicine; sure the dutch smelt
out it was butterd beere, else they would never have endur'd it for the
names sake: then does he minister a grated dogs turd instead of Rubarbe,
many times of unicornes horne, which working strongly with the conceit of
the Patient, would make them bescummer to the height of a mighty purgation.
Foro.
The rogue has studied this invective.
Clow.
Now for his conjuring, the witches of Lapland are the divells chaire-women
to him, for they will sell a man a winde to some purpose; he sells winde,
and tells you fortye lyes over and over.
Hostess.
I thought what we should find of him.
Host.
Hold your prating, be not you an hereticke.
Clow.
Conjure! Ile tell you, all the divells names he calls upon, are but
fustian names, gatherd out of welch heraldry; in breife, he is a rogue of
six reprieves, foure pardones of course, thrice pilloried, twice sung
Lacrymæ to the Virginalls of a carts taile, h'as five times been in the
Gallies, and will never truly run himselfe out of breath, till he comes to
the gallowes.
[the clown tells of F’s near things with the law. To ‘sing
lachrimae’ was to be whipped, after the weeping
expressed by John Dowland’s piece of music,
‘Lachrimae’]
Foro.
You have heard worthy gentlemen, what this lying detracting rascall has
vomited.
Tay.
Yes certaine, but we have a better trust in you, for you have taine our
mony.
Foro.
I have so, truth is he was my servant, and forsome chastisement I gave him,
he does practise thus upon me; speake truly sirra, are you certaine I cannot
conjure?
Clow.
Conjure! ha, ha, ha.
Foro.
Nay, nay, but be very sure of it.
Clow.
Sure of it? why Ile make a bargaine with thee, before all these gentlemen,
use all thy art, all thy roguery, and make me do any thing before al this
company I have not a mind to, Ile first give thee leave to claime me for
thy bond slave, and when thou hast done hang me.
Foro.
Tis a match, sirra, Ile make you caper ith' aire presently.
Clow.
I have too solid a body, and my beleife is like a Puritans on Good-Friday,
too high fed with capon.
Foro.
I will first send thee to Greeke, land for a haunch of venison, just
of the thicknesse of thine own tallow.
Clow.
Ha, ha, ha, Ile not stir an inch for thee.
Foro.
Thence to Amboyna ith' East-Indies, for pepper to bake it.
[scene of a massacre perpetrated by the Dutch]
Clow.
To Amboyna? so I might be pepperd.
Foro.
Then will I conveigh thee strark naked to Develing to beg a paire of brogs,
to hide thy mountainous buttocks.
Clow.
And no doublet to 'em?
Foro.
No sir, I intend to send you of a sleevelesse errand; but before you vanish,
in regard you say I cannot conjure, and are so stupid, and opinionated a
slave, that neither I, nor my art can compell you to do any thing that’s
beyond your own pleasure, the gentlemen shall have some sport; you cannot
endure a cat sirra? [sleeveless errand: futile trip]
Clow.
Whats that to thee, Juggler?
Foro.
Nor you'l do nothing at my entreaty?
Clow.
Ile be hang'd first.
Foro.
Sit Gentlemen, and whatsoever you see, be not frighted,
Hostess.
Alas I can endure no conjuring.
Host.
Stir not wise.
Bian.
Pray let me go sir, I am not fit for these fooleryes.
Host.
Move not daughter.
For.
I wil make you dance a new dance calld leap-frog.
Clow.
Ha, ha, ha.
Fro.
And as naked as a frog.
Clow.
Ha, ha, ha, I defye thee.
Foro. lookes in a booke, strikes with his wand, Musick playes.
Enter 4. Boyes shap't like Frogs, and dance.
Pedant.
Spirits of the water in the likenes of frogs.
Tay.
He has fisht faire beleeve me.
Mule.
See, see, he sweats and trembles.
Foro.
Are you come to your quavers?
Clow.
Oh, oh, oh.
Foro.
Ile make you run division on that o's ere I leave you; looke you, here are
the play fellowes that are so indeerd to you; come sir, first uncase, and
then dance, nay Ile make him daunce stark naked.
Host.
Oh let him have his shirt on, and his Mogols breeches, here are women ith'
house.
Foro.
Well for their sakes he shall.
Clown teares off his doublet, making strange faces as if compeld to it, falls
Tay.
He daunces, what a lying rogue was this to say the gentleman could not
conjure?
Foro.
He does prettily well, but tis voluntary, I assure you, I have no hand in't.
Clow.
As you are a Conjurer, and a rare Artist, free me from these couplets; of
all creatures I cannot endure a Frog.
Foro.
But your dauncing is voluntary, I can compell you to nothing.
Hostes.
O me, daughter, lets take heed of this fellow, he'le make us dance naked,
an' we vex him.
Foro.
Now cut capers sirra, Ile plague that chin of yours.
Clow.
Oh, oh, oh, my kidneys are rosted, I drop away like a pound of butter
rosted.
Tayl.
He will daunce himselfe to death.
Foro.
No matter Ile sell his fat to the Pothecaries, and repaire my injury that
way.
Host.
Enough in conscience.
Foro.
Well, at your entreaty vanish. And now I wil only make him breake his neck
in doing a sommerset, and thats all the revenge I meane to take of him.
Clow.
O gentlemen, what a rogue was I to belye so an approved Master in the noble
dark science? you can witnesse, this I did only to spoyle his practise and
deprive you of the happynesse of injoying his worthy labours; rogue that
I was to do it, pray sir forgive me.
Foro.
With what face canst thou ask it?
Clow.
With such a face as I deserve, with a hanging looke, as all here can
testifie.
Foro.
Well gentlemen, that you may perceive the goodnes of my temper, I will
entertain this rogue again in hope of amendment, for should I turn him off,
he would be hanged.
Clow.
You may read that in this foule coppy.
Foro.
Only with this promise, you shall never cozen any of my patients.
Clow.
Never.
Foro.
And remember hence forward, that though I cannot counjure, I can make
you daunce sirra, go get your selfe into the cottage againe.---
Clow.
I will never more daunce leape Frog: now I have got you into credit, hold it
up, and cozen them in abundance.
Foro.
Oh rare rascall.
Cesar.
How now, a Frankford mart here, a Mountebanke, and his worshipfull auditory.
Host.
They are my ghuests Sir.
Cesar.
A---upon them, shew your jugling tricks in some other roome.
Host,
And why not here Sir?
Cesar.
Hence, or sirra I shall spoile your figure flinging, and all their radicall
questions.
Omnes.
Sir we vanish.---
Clow.
Now sir, will you not acknowledge that I have mightily advancte your
practice?
Forobos.
Tis confest, and I will make thee a great man for't.
Clow.
I take a course to do that my selfe, for I drinke sack in abundance.
Foro.
O my rare rascall. We must remove.
Clow.
Whither?
Foro.
Any whither: Europe is to little to be cozned by us, I am ambitious to goe
to the East-Indies, thou and I to ride on our brace of Elephants.
Clow.
And for my part I long to be in England agen; you will never get so much as
in England, we have shifted many countryes, and many names: but traunce the
world over you shall never purse up so much gold as when you were in
England, and call'd your selfe Doctor Lambestones.
[alludes to Dr Lamb, the Duke of Buckingham’s
magician, and to lamb’s testicles, eaten as an aid
to virility]
Foro.
Twas an atractive name I confesse, women were then my only admirers.
Clow.
And all their visits was either to further their lust, or reveng injuries.
Foro.
You should have forty in a morning beleager my closett, and strive who
should be cozend first, amongst fourescore love-sick waiting women that
has come to me in a morning to learne what fortune should betide
them in their first marriage, I have found above 94 to have lost their
maidenheads.
Clow.
By their owne confession, but I was faine to be your male midwife, and worke
it out of them by circumstance.
[bawdy: the clown found by physical
investigation the truth of their confessions to his
master]
Foro.
Thou wast, and yet for all this frequent resort of women and thy handling of
their urinalls and their cases, thou art not given to lechery, what should
be the reason of it? thou hast wholsome flesh enough about thee; me
thinkes the divell should tempt thee too't.
[cases: bawdy, female genitalia]
Clow.
What need he do that, when he makes me his instrument to tempt others.
Foro.
Thou canst not chuse but utter thy rare good parts; thou wast an excellent
baude I acknowledge.
Clow.
Well, and what I have done that way I will spare to speake of all you and I
have done sir, and though we should---
Foro.
We will for England, thats for certaine.
Clow.
We shall never want there.
Foro.
Want? the Court of Wards shall want mony first, for I professe my selfe Lord
Paramount over fooles and madfolkes.
Clow.
Do but store your selfe with lyes enough against you come thither,
Foro.
Why that’s all the familarity I ever had with the Divell, my gift of
lying: they say hee’s the Father of lyes, and though I cannot conjure, yet I
professe my selfe to be one of his poore gossips, I will now reveale to
thee a rare peece of service.
Clow.
What is it my most worshipful Doctor Lambstones.
Foro.
There is a Captaine come lately from Sea,
They call Prosper I saw him this morning
Through a chincke of wainscote that divides my lodging
And the Host of the house, withdraw my Host, and Hostesse, the faire
Biancha, and an antient gentlewoman into their bedchamber; I could not
overheare their conference, but I saw such a masse of gold & jewels, & when
he had done he lock't it up into a casket; great joy there was amongst
them & forth they are gone into the city, and my Host told me at his going
forth he thought he should not returne till after supper; now sir, in their
absence will we fall to our picklocks, enter the chamber, seize the
jewels, make an escape from Florence, and wee are made for ever.
Clow.
But if they should goe to a true conjurer, and fetch us back in a
whirlewinde?
Foro.
Doe not beleeve there is any such fetch in Astrology, and this may be a
meanes to make us live honest hereafter.
Clow.
Tis but an ill road to't that lyes through the high way of theeving.
Foro.
For indeed I am weary of this trade of fortune-telling, and meane to give
all over, when I come into England, for it is a very ticklish quality.
Clow.
And ith end will hang by a twine thred.
Foro.
Besides the Island has too many of the profession, they hinder one anothers
market.
Clow.
No, no, the pillory hinders their market.
Foro.
You know there the juggling captaine.
Clow.
Aye, there’s a sure carde.
Foro.
Onely the fore-man of their jury is dead, but he dyed like a Roman.
Clow.
Else tis thought he had made worke for the hangman.
Foro.
And the very Ball of your false prophets, hee's quasht too.
Clow.
He did measure the starres with a false yard, and may now travaile to Rome
with a morter on's head to see if he can recover his mony that way.
Foro.
Come, come, lets fish for this casket, and to Sea presently.
Clow.
We shall never reach London I feare;
My minde runs so much of hanging, landing at Wapping.
Enter Host, Forobosco, Clowne and Officers.
Mar.
Let this day be still held sacred.
Host.
Now if you can conjure, let the Divell unbind you,
Foro.
Wee are both undone,
Clow.
Already wee feele it.
Host.
Iustice sir,
Duke.
What are they?
Pros.
I can resolve you, slaves freed from the Gallyes
By the Viceroy of Sicilia.
Duke.
Whats their offence?
Host.
The robbing me of all my plate and Iewels,
I meane the attempting of it.
Clow.
Please your grace I will now discover this varlet in earnest, this honest
pestilent rogue, profest the art conjuring, but all the skill that ever
he had in the black art was in making a seacole fire; only with wearing
strange shapes he begot admiration amongst fooles and women.
Foro.
Wilt thou peach thou varlet? [impeach, turn informer]
Duke.
Why does he gogle with his eyes, and stauke so?
Clow.
This is one of his Magicall raptures.
Foro.
I doe vilifie your censure, you demand if I am guilty, whir sayes my
cloake by a tricke of legerdemaine, now I am not guilty, I am guarded with
innocence, pure silver lace I assure you.
[the joke seems to turn on ‘guards’ meaning the
embroideries on his cloak]
Clow.
Thus have I read to you your vertues, which not withstanding I would not
have you proud of.
Foro.
Out thou congealment of tallow and counterfeit Mummia.
Duke.
To the Gallyes with them both.
Clow.
The onely sea physick for a knave is to be basted in a gally with the oyle
of a Bulls peesell. [a whip]
Foro.
And will not you make a soure face at the same sauce, sirra? I hope to finde
thee so leane, in one fortnight thou mayest be drawne by the eares through
the hoop of a firkin.
Duke.
Divide them and away with them them to'th Gallyes.
Clow.
This will take downe your pride juggler.
Duke.
This day that hath given birth to blessings; beyond hope, admits no
criminall sentence, to the Temple and there with humblenesse praise heavens
bounties;
For blessings here discend from thence, but when
A sacrifice, in thankes ascends from men.